Thursday, January 12, 2006

Chuck Norris

In case your email client has done you the unfortunate favour of keeping this mass-email out of your inbox...

*Forget Wikipedia, if Chuck Norris wants you know something, he will tell you.
*Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. But he has never cried. Ever.
*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
*Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
*The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
*Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
*Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
*Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
*In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
*The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
*There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
*Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
*A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
*Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
*Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
*Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
*Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
*Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
*Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
*The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
*Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
*Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Read Chuck's response (which includes the line: "Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising.")

from: Jordon Cooper

2 comments:

Jordan S. said...

If he's so great, why is he only on Bowflex commercials at three in the morning now? ;)

cory said...

He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health. Or maybe that was Bill Brasky...